Falling on my Face

I have been thinking. Recently I was standing around a camp fire (Yes in February) thinking about things that most people think about when they are out at a random spot in the woods at night, things that scare them. Most people do this, thinking, that is, and it’s the people that don’t that I fear the most. Crazy ass, close minded, conservatives. People who think that they have a world view because they watch cable news, and read fear mongers columns.

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Now I am not the most enlightened person, nor the most intelligent, or traveled, but at least I know it. When it comes down to it most people know what they are good at. There are always competitions (Olympics are prime example) to see who is the best at doing a thing, awards for great thinkers and every other grand recognition, thus if you’re the best you, and everyone else knows it. I on the other hand have a great knowledge in what I am the worst at, not just bad at, but far and beyond, the worst.

When I was going the third grade the small private school I was going to closed. It was my first year in public school. My class room was in the basement of a large brick building that could have been an old mental institution. My teacher was old school, she was a tight ass bitch as well, who was retiring and so really dident give a shit about anything. She was planning on moving to South America as soon as school was out. On the last day kids were crying because they knew that she was going to be leaving and I remember yelling to them all "Why are you crying? She sucks! And I know you hate her!". Well the exact wording escapes me now but I digress. She loved times tables, and each day or maybe it was only once a week, she would give us timed tests, and if you did not finish in time you would have to spend lunch inside doing them all over and over again. I always stayed in. It was me and the tragically poverty stricken boy, who would say curse words just to get in trouble. Even the mentally handicapped kid went outside, but in my defense I think that he was exempt. Thus I learned I was the worst at math. In one of the most recent event I was out at a karaoke club, with almost nothing to drink (I had been on a bender the two previous nights) I got up to sing Last Night by the Stokes. In the middle of it I realized that the girl that I went to up sing with was not really around, unable to really pay attention to this fact due to my focus on reading the words, I forged on. By the time I was done, and back at my table I realized that everyone in the bar had looked away from me, my friends who had come up to dance/watch had tried to run away only hindered by doubling over in laughter. My partner had done the same, had put down the mic and was off to the side of the stage in a fit of breathless laughter. I am the worst singer, even in a karaoke bar, where literally everyone sucks. Years earlier in middle school (a newer building then elementary, but maybe more shitty, and akin to a jail rather than a mental institution) I was the only kid in the mandatory spelling bee to not even get the first letter correct! I have never liked giraffes after that. In 8th grade as a response to a challenge/joke I joined the football team. As the smallest member of the team the coach always had me do a sumo wrestler style work out with line backers, I only won once, by falling down and having the other guy run himself out of bounds, I lost every day but that one. Once, while on kick off team, I was running down the field, the ball returner was running straight at me. It was my big chance, I would have the tackle of my carrier, maybe go on to start, and begin my life as a star football player. I pulled my right arm back and threw myself into the lunge. It should be said that my jersey was MUCH too big for me in the act of lunging my arm went inside my jersey, the force of my extending arm twisting my pads around me, at which point I stepped in a slight pot hole in the field and fell over as the ball returner ran around me. At half time of each game the coach would ask "Who hasn’t played yet?" and I would be the player to raise my hand. I learned that I was the worst football player ever, even when play time was mandatory I was never put in! HA! Thank god for special teams. Through this I guess it could be said that I try hard and don’t give up. Great! The only thing that I am good at cannot be measured, is unrecognizable, and one cannot win anything with it. HA! Classic

I have broken bones, chiped teeth, made other teams baskets, cut the hell out of myself and fallen down more times than I can recount (some of them have been blocked from my memory due to various cercumstances!) I am told I am a cross between a baby and an old man of the worst kind. Yet it’s the strangest thing, when biking I am almost convinced that I could best a car (with the right leverage I think I could flip one). If I had to arm wrestle a bear I think I could win (maybe with the right wrist position). Ofcouse the logical part of my brain tells me that this is due to the amount of compounds, hormones, and steroids that my body is creating and pounding into my blood. My heart is beating out butane. It is clouding my brain, and diminishing the same logical part that conceptualized its existence.

In the sixth grade each person in my class was given a unique award. There was the best at this, that and the other thing, I honestly cant remember what people got. But I do remember what I was "awarded". I was deemed "Most Likely to Talk to Himself"! What the FUCK! Now I have never been told I was normal, but it’s amazing even at such an age I was thought to be the first one to go crazy if I was not already. Shit I am fucked. Oh well, I guess I fit in with all the other crazies out in the woods at night.