Sex Ed

This is a term that all of India needs to get to know better. Everything needs to populate less, dogs, cows, people, bugs, everything is on a mad race to take over the world by sheer numbers alone. By simply reducing the population it would make life better for everyone because there would simply be more to go around. Anyway thats it, I have some time to kill before breakfast so I am here at the internet. Which leads me to what some of you may be wondering (as I did), what DO Indians eat for breakfast? Well (one may say they should eat each other to help the population problem) we mostly have pancake like thingys. They are made of potatoes, wheat flour, and spices. You eat them with ketchup (which is spicy because it is mixed with chili powder), along with a bowl of pourage, which is the other most common breakfast, and fruit. Other times we just eat a different Indian dish, without rice. Yeah so lots of spicy Indian food (i know what your thinking, "no shit"). Enjoy your coffee and cereal you poop heads.

huuummm....

So right now I am listing to the Strokes and writing this as I watch this cow outside door lick its anus. Its amazing how long their toungs are. It is also amazing how many cows there are. They are all over the place, and its not just cows, but all kinds of bovines. Besides the dozens of cow species there are oxen and buffalo, I would not be surprised to find that there are more but alas I have not become an expert of bovines. All these cows of different sizes, shapes and colors are all equally stupid, equally very stupid. They just stand there, and thats it. Ok, I lied they do more then just that, they shit, and eat trash. They are also very good at blocking traffic, because they just stand of sit as a car honks in their face. They are very nice, just plodding along doing nothing. Life as a cow must be great, eating, shitting, and standing, some don't even stand they just lay down all day. I hope that life is treating everyone as well as it treats the cows in India.

huummmm....

So right now I am listing to the Strokes and writing this as I watch this cow outside door lick its anus. Its amazing how long their toungs are. It is also amazing how many cows there are. They are all over the place, and its not just cows, but all kinds of bovines. Besides the dozens of cow species there are oxen and buffalo, I would not be surprised to find that there are more but alas I have not become an expert of bovines. All these cows of different sizes, shapes and colors are all equally stupid, equally very stupid. They just stand there, and thats it. Ok, I lied they do more then just that, they shit, and eat trash. They are also very good at blocking traffic, because they just stand of sit as a car honks in their face. They are very nice, just plodding along doing nothing. Life as a cow must be great, eating, shitting, and standing, some don't even stand they just lay down all day. I hope that life is treating everyone as well as it treats the cows in India.

Another one bites the dust

So the weeks are dropping like flies. This last week I spent in Than Goun (this time I believe that I spelled it right), which is a small village full of toothless men, and women who carry more on their head then anyone I know can carry (well some of you may be able to pull it off but you'd have to be very drunk and determined). There is only one downside to staying here... I have had to share a room with crazy-bitch. Alright, shes not a bitch, thats not the right word, shes a just one of those people who has no clue, talks about the stupidest shit, which all leads to some illness that she has (or thinks that she has), oh yeah and shes kind of a control freak. She literally will be telling me about how sick she is, or that she cant close her eyes because of vertigo, or how a disk in her back is slipped, all the while I am getting my headphones out and slowly moving them towards my head until they are on, but on over my ears just next to them where I wait for her to have a lull in her... well what ever you want to call the shit coming out of her mouth, where I put them on think how good the sweet, sweet relief is. Its rough! To get away Paul, Erin and I have gone on hikes so we dont kill her. We went up a freaken sweet river bed. The kind where you just jump from rock to rock as the river flows next to. But only here half the rocks are of this purple marble stuff, and there are all these strange plants, coming down from the huge dry jungle that looms above you. Its cool. Also we dont have to run the risk of being run down by cars, or choking on exhaust. Right now I am back in Rishikesh for the weekend with the couple who are in the program with me where we hope to see some elephants! or tigers! or some other crazy shit. Ill let you know how it goes, if I dont get eaten, trampled, or bitten to death.

The Weekend

Read about it on the other fucking blog. Yeah there is not much to add. The only other thing about Agra is that there was a shit ton of people trying to sell you tons worthless Taj memorabilia for rediculas prices. This one kid followed us for about 10min trying to sell this key chain, I told him that I would take it if it was attached to a camel, he offered me 15 for 1. Also being the combination young and white here is a big deal. People will just ask to take my picture, (I have photos of them taking pictures of me which are awesome), some people will also ask me to take pictures of the girls that I am with (I always tell them yes, HA!) and not the girls themselves. I normally cant stop laughing as group after group of people come up to us and take pictures as they say "Yo" or some other american thing, its fucking weird. I may start charging people, or handing out autographs, Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh I would also like to say; Hi mom, love you, and thanks to the person (I know who you are) who gave out the site, not that its hard to find. Don't have too much fun, because its a long trip and I always have lots to rant about. =)
One last thing, I found out that I have been calling that one crazy-ass psycho-bitch by the wrong name this whole time...oops. The good thing it that I don't think that I ever said her name (or what I thought her name was) to her face. HA! This is because she came on the trip and she dident punch me in the head. HA! maybe I should lock whole thing thing down.

The Lowdown

Alright I want some fucking cheese! That's it, I want a big brick of melting Cheddar, motzorella-idontcarehowyouspellit, swiss, all of it. I want bre on bread and those cheese logs that you have at christmas with crackers (Nick you know whats up). Nachos! thats it, thats what I want, something that looks like you would have a heart attack when you eat it. I mean the food here is good, really good, its Indian food 24-7, so I get lots of beans, cauliflower, chili pepper, potatoes ect. all in more sauces (its all gravy here) then I know. But I don't get cheese, and for those of you in the know, a main staple of my diet is Cheddar cheese, melted that is, over some kind of tortia thingy. Yeah its called a quesadilla, I remember now, with some beans and salsa, but I would leave all that out so I could enjoy the oilly-goodness that is the melted cheeze. After finishing this I would open a beer, the cheapest-shit-ass-beer I could get at market (you all are still just calling it market right?) and chug it. It will happen, until then I will settle for my Indian veggies, which I will admit, satisfy me after each meal, where I gorge my self on (once you start you just cant stop!). I have gained about 60 lbs!..... ok well maybe I will one day. HA! That reminds me, the last several wickram, oops sorry I just found out they are actually Vickrams (fucking accent), anyways these fat ladies keep sitting next to me squashing me! So I aways am just sitting there in the vickram and they just come up and think that they can fit in this tiny seat that already has 3 people on it. When she sits next to me (and they always do) I am left literally hanging out of the fucking window, and for some reason they always seem to be mad about it.
Moving along; A criticism of India: The government here needs to employ every bum and poor person to pick up the trash and then sort it into recycling and stuff. This would clean everything and give jobs to people who need it most, I mean the people are going through the trash anyway so why not pay them for it and put it to some use. This along with an anti-littering campaign (picture crying Indian, but him now being Hindu. HA!) would do wonders for everyone.
One more thing. I think that I may be sustaining some kind of serious damage to my bladder. No shit, ok. I have been trying to stay healthy, you know, drinking lots of water so I dont get sick from all the sick people, which naturally makes me have to urinate. The problem is that most places here dont have restrooms, I have no idea where they go to pee! Ok well public urination is pretty big here and I have gotten a lot of practice, but come on, I just find my self about to pee my pants at least once a day! peeeace

Crazies

You cant escape religious crazy people anywhere. Here in India most of them are Hindi. Like right now (literally as I am typing) there is a 1 1/2 armed hindi man clanking symbols together. Last night as I was observing a surgery on some kid who severed his hand (dont play with axes) and the doctor went off on me about god (have you found jesus?). Here the Christians are a huge minority and this doctor (he is very nice and I have all the respect for him) was wild about it. It made me think about this idea that I came up with some years ago that some people biologically need religion, or maybe just phyicologically need it. They need that reassurance of purpose within their lives. Anyway I was trying to be nice about listing to how Steven Hawking was going to hell wile trying to not laugh or get too dizzy from looking at this kids tendons sticking out all over. So far I have observed 6 surgeries, all have been successful, 1 hip replacement, 3 tubicamys, 1 C-section and 1 wrist/hand thing. I am leaving Missurie tomorrow to go back to Derhadun (just try to mistake that word for something else!) and ill take a picture of the river of trash and put it up for all of you to see.
I ate meat for the first time yesterday (it was a very small amount of chicken) so all of you should enjoy all of the meat you can get. Today I had American day, we went to a Starbucks-like coffe shop, and a dominos (very spicy pizza) singing America Fuck Yeah. That's it for now because I have to take a wicked piss (its a long walk back to my room, and I have not mastered the classic Indian way of peeing in public).

Dreams

So sense being in India I have had the most crazy fucked up dreams ever. I normally don't remember any dream, so if these are the kinds of dreams that I have but just don't know WOW! They range from time travel to meet Rastafarian robot friends to observing insane mothers manipulating daughters as her husband lays dying with some grotesque injury. Anyway its wild, something about India has fucked with my head, or my subconscious. I don't think that it has to do with being sober because my first night here in Missurie I stopped by a shop called an 'English Wine Shop' got a bottle of Mc Something whisky and drank 3/4 of it (I dedicate it to Tad, hope your reading buddy), which lead to a frighting dream about a sex crazed Indian man. Besides getting dunk in a christian hospital (I couldn't help it, it was too perfect) nothing happened, it was very cold so I did alot of jumping jacks and push ups to warm myself and then passed out under a rediculas amount of blankets. This hospital is full of very religious Christan Indians (its fucked up) and by full I mean there is like 15. It is not very big and fairly boring because they say; no one gets sick in the winter (I think that people just don't get malaria, typhoid, or any of the other things that will kill us all). I will say that they are all very nice. The one thing that kills me is the shower (sleeping on a hospital bed is not so bad). I know that so far I should be lucky to get a shower here, but this one is very bad. It is because it is so cold (no heating in Indian buildings) and the hot water has very high pressure. You might be wondering "how could this be bad", well it is because the fucking hot water heater is only about 2 gallons to it only lasts a min. So there I am each morning standing in a freezing bathroom with freezing water everywhere (there are no shower curtains) hoping that my balls don't fall off (in actuality I am hoping that I don't choke on them). Anyho that's it. Oh I did watch the doctor surgically remove 4 cysts, gross. Tomorrow at 9 am I will watch the surgeon replace a 95 year olds hip (fuck! I just hope he doesn't die when I pass out or throw up on him. Well besides me telling you that the Himalayas are crazy to see (they really are), I have nothing else especially because the power has gone out on me twice and I don't think I can take it anymore.

Sobriety

Sober for 11 day's. I havent had a drop of liquer. HA! Suckers. Some bum did offer me some hashish today, I almost laughed in the bums face. Sorry high bum. Rishikish is not only the world center for Yoga, but also the hard core hippies. There are alot of European tourists here (the most white people I have seen sense here) that seem to be all about new age hippydom. I am currently freezing my ass off in Mussiore (6,000 ft.), I think I will have to get a scarf, because I am sleeping in a hospital bed (what the fuck!) in a building that has no heating at all. Anyway I have to go eat at the hospital mess hall, I can only hope it is better then American hospital food.

Maybe to quick

Ok, I may have been a little harsh on that last post. Everyone can be anal sometimes, right? I mean I think I have, at least once, or something, oh well I cant remember. Anyway I went to fucking sweet Buddha temple on Wed. It was out side of Derhadun next to a huge army base (interesting). The first thing that I noticed was that Buddha loves sex. There are paintings all over the shrine of him (or some other guy) with some Buddhist girl. Anyways it makes me like Buddhism all the more. Also Buddhists are also very technologically savvy. I cant speak for all, but these where listening to mp3 players, had laptops, and taking pictures on their phones. Shit! These monks are going to take over the world. I took lots of pictures of a building sized gold Buddha and several shrines, after spinning more prayer wheels then I can count. I have no idea if I was supposed to be saying a prayer or not, but I did do it in a clockwise direction (yeah me), so I guess it cant hurt.
Today I am in Rishikish, the world center for yoga! Several people warned me of fake monks who trick travelers in to giving them money for enlightenment (do I give off some "I am a gullible hippy vibe"?). I will continue on my quest of checking out shrines and trying new crazy foods that I have never heard of (so far everything is good).

A Quicky

So I just have to say (I may have to delete this in case this girl facebooks me and finds this) that this one American girl (well she is mostly from Canada) who is the definition of a boner kill. She is a Debby Downer and an all around worrying up tight cunt. Well maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the poor girl but every time she starts talking all I can do is just sit and stare at her tight ass-ness and her complete lack of a jaw (figuratively and physically(I hate that)). Anyways I just had to rant about that. The other two people I am with are great. Oh yeah I went to a buddest temple this morning, awesome. Next time you get a chance you got to go. I think I may have fucked my Carma or something, because you are supposed to walk and do everything clockwise but I didn't see the sign and did the walking counter. SHIT!!!! Well got to go.

I havent shit my pants yet!

That's it. Just so you know my stomach (yes the one that feels bad after too much moving, chocolate mike, ice cream, juice, sweets and food of any kind) is doing just fine. I did sneeze today, but I did not want to frighten anyone so I tried really (and I mean really) hard to not have a very loud (my normal) sneeze and I just about blew my eyes out. That's all thats happened. Ok I guess that's a bit of a lie, my first day I ate two of these spicy triangle things (imagine Indian street hot pocket) and was worried that I might have whip out my emergency toilet paper earlier then I had thought. Yeah way to go GI system!

My First Wikram

Alright, one cannot survive here without constant vigilance (I am going to die). I took my first wikram ride today. Wikrams are a small three wheeled motorcycle/cart thing. They have are covered, and have a back that holds 6 people normally but 8 always seem be squeezed in. I always hit my head on the roof because apparently the fucking makers of these wikrams where midgets. I also almost have had my arm chopped off by cars/motorcycles/buses/wikrams flying by while I am sitting in one. There is so much to look at the store selling gold watches, a cow eating trash, a bum next to a fire in the street, the shit that I almost stepped in, that I am almost thankful that all the vehicles are blaring their horns so I don't have to see them coming. I asked Vikas (the guy who showed me to the hospital) how I know where a wikram stop is (oh yeah wikrams are like buses they have numbers and run routes) he said "This is India, there are no rules". This wasn't really an answer to my question but I think I got the jist, they are just where they are and just have to know. There are no street signs, and now that I think about it there don't seem to be blocks either(I don't know how this can be but it is true, Ill get back to you on it), anyhoo shit if fucked up, in a sweet crazy ass way.

I am here

AAARRRRGGGHHHHH! India is one crazy place. There are people going to who knows where all over the place. The trip was fucking long. The flight to Newark wasn't that bad (the worst part was not moving while sitting next to a fat boring lady). When I got there I first thought that I would leave the air port and check out New York. So I went to some Continental air line desk and asked this guy if I had time in my 4hr 30min-ish layover to do it. He said in a very boring voice that it was not a good idea and that I shouldn't do it. I did not like this opinion from another boring fat person so I left the airport to NYC! I didn't think that this "expert" had any adventure his whole life. Anyway so I went and checked out New York in an exhausted haze. I made it back to the airport just in time (not that it would have mattered because the plane was delayed from taking off).
Anyway when I got into Delhi I was almost in an uncountable number of car accidents (read the other blog). The Hotel we stayed in was literally a maze. To get to the room we had to walk up three flights of stairs, down two and around several corners at very odd angles.
Oh that's right, don't pack for a long trip while dunk! On new years day for some reason I took my camera charger, camera uplaoder thingy, and hand sanitizer out of my bag and left them in Bend. SHIT! So now I have so scour the bazaars for this crap. It sucks because it was in my bag, but somehow my subconscious decided to make everything a little bit crazier for me.
AARRGGGHHH

Leaving!

I am leaving in 9 hours! WOW! So this whole situation that I have fallen into is about to start. I don't know what to expect (fuck yeah). I have been asleep most of the day because I so drunk when I woke up (I am not sure exactly how I came to, and I don't remember much of the night). So now I am wide wake and I have to get up in less then 6hrs. Shit, 26 hour flight here I come!